


I'm Just Trying to Understand Myself...

by NotaGoodUserName



Series: It's You and Me (BBS Shots) [2]
Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Brock just talks about his confidence and stuff, It might trigger some people??, Just be warned???, M/M, Multi, i guess??, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-23 20:53:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13198368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotaGoodUserName/pseuds/NotaGoodUserName
Summary: Brock has some feelings about himself and his past that he needs to get out. Brian just so happens to be there to listen.





	I'm Just Trying to Understand Myself...

**Author's Note:**

> this short little drabble (i guess??) was a vent for me a couple months ago, thought id share it with the world before i deleted it forever
> 
> im sorry its so short, but i hope you enjoy anyway~!

Brian stared at his boyfriend as he fiddled with his sleeve, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What... What do you mean by that?"

"I mean..." Brock rolled words over in his mind, debating on how to explain himself. "...I mean, I don't know. I just don't understand why I ever think speaking up is ever a good idea." He looked up with teary eyes to meet a surprised expression, Brian's mouth slight opened in shock. Brock looked away again, squeezing the hand that grabbed his.

"Brock...honey..."

"I know-" Brock sniffled, letting the tears falling onto his lap. "I know that my opinion and what I think and say is just as important as everyone else's, but sometimes, when I talk to someone, I just feel so stupid for saying anything. Like I should have kept my mouth shut, why didn't I think of that, I shouldn't be asking for help because they can't help me and. I just." His shoulders started to shake, his bottom lip quivered involuntarily. "I just feel s-so stupid."

Brian watched with sad, concerned eyes as his boyfriend broke down in front of him, tears filling his own eyes. "Brock, y-you aren't stupid-!"

"I know, _I know_ , I know I'm not stupid, I know I'm not dumb, I just-" Brock hiccuped, gently rocking himself. "I-I just feel like I don't deserve to be heard."

Brian grabbed softly at his hands and desperately looked to catch Brock's eyes. "Brock, Brock..." He wanted to help, but he had no idea how.

"I-I used to feel like this when I was a sophmore in high school," Brock said, still rocking. "I-I was dating this boy, and he made me feel safe and comfortable with myself. I believed he actually loved me and he told me every day he did. I had confidence in myself, I spoke my mind, I didn't care what anyone else thought. And when we broke up, seven months later, a week after Valentine's day, I was so torn. I depended on him so, so much, and I had to learn how to depend on myself.

"Over the summer, I hardened and I was better, and a few years later, when I met all of you, I-I just... I slipped back into it.." The sharp intake of air that came from Brian didn't go unnoticed. "Every time I talked to you guys, you strangers, at the time... I couldn't help but feel like an idiot... like the last thing I should do in a group chat or group call is speak my mind..."

Brian was quietly crying into his hand, gripping Brock's with his other one tightly. He didn't know what to say.

The tears dribbled down Brock's face slowly now, his eyes burned. "Whenever I felt that way... I didn't want someone to talk to me out of pity, or because they wanted to help, and end up not knowing what to say. I just... I wanted someone to listen.

"A-And the whole reason why this came up is because it happened again," Brock choked out a wet laugh, wiping his face with his sleeve. "I want just having a conversation with Anthony and he just pointed something out and I-I- I couldn't handle it. I felt so awful and I brushed everyone off and they all asked if I was okay and I yelled at them and I regret it, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I-"

Brian let go of his hand and dragged him into a tight hug. The sudden embrace filled Brock's chest with more emotion than he could handle at that moment, and he sobbed freely into Brian's neck, gripping the back of his shirt. He could feel Brian's chest shudder and heave as he cried with him, and he felt so awful for putting this pain on his love.

A door opened to the room they were in, and Brock could feel another pair of arms wrapping around him. Foot steps sounded from the hallway, and more of his lovers joined the group hug. Quiet murmurs reassured him that they were there, gently shooshing calmed his nerves, and the weight of so many of people hugging him made him feel safe.

Once they all pulled away, and Brian and Brock had a moment to wipe their faces, they listened to Brock quietly explain why they were so upset. By the end of his explanation, there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Brock reassured Anthony that it wasn't his fault, at all, and he refused to quit saying it until he was absolutely sure Anthony absolutely understood.

After everyone had a moment to calm down, they made Brock swear he would speak his mind, and they repeated it until Brock began to laugh at their constant poking. They settled in the living room to watch a selection of movies that were complete shit. They made fun of them the entire time, laughing and cringing and overall having a nice time.

Brock rested his head on Brian's chest, running his hand through Jon's hair as his head was on his lap. Marcel was curled up at the other end of the couch with a Mini in his lap, whose legs were entangled with Del's. Evan, Anthony, Luke, and Ryan cuddled together in front of the couch, while David, Lui, and Tyler made the love seat work (they should really be looking for a sectional). He looked around at all of these beautiful people, and his chest swelled with love, admiration, and appreciation. He wondered how he got so god damn lucky to have more than one beautiful person to love him just as much as he loved them.

Brock rested his head back on Brian's chest, blissfully smiling as he listened to a chorus of laughter that surrounded him. He refused to start crying again, but he couldn't deny that he's honestly never felt happier in his entire life, truly happy. He felt safe, at peace.

He felt so utterly complete. He couldn't ask for anything more.

**Author's Note:**

> hey, so, i don't know you, or anything, but if they're dealing with something like this, yknow, like i am, dont lose hope in yourself. someone really cares about you, and what you think or want to say, so don't go off into the big bad and scary world thinkin' you're alone, 'cause you really aren't
> 
> anywho, sorry for taking out my feels on poor Brock


End file.
